was reading an article on the dangers of drinking too much alcohol....scared the sh!t out of me! so i have decided from today, no more frickin reading for me.
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."
When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.
Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau.
The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
Why are art galleries like retirement homes for teachers?
Because they're both full of old masters.
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
One day, a young man wanted to prove to his girlfriend that he could do DIY. So he decided he was going to surprise her by painting the house while she was at work.
His girlfriend got home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. She then walks into the living room and finds her boyfriend lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. She notices that he is wearing a ski jacket and an over-coat at the same time.She goes over and asks him if he is OK. He replies yes.
She asks what he is doing. He replies that he wanted to prove to her that he could do DIY. She then asks him why he is wearing a ski jacket and an over-coat.
He replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by accident?
"Quick," said one, "Run! Before they say we did it!"
Two art critics talking:
"You know Picasso was obsessed with pornography."
"Well that explains his blue period then."
Jackson Pollock had an exhibition in New York, but was arrested soon after for vandalizing the canvasses.
What do you call a surrealist painter wearing boxing gloves?
Murphy's Law, which states that if anything can go wrong, it will, applies to art and painting too... This list of variations on Murphy's Law could also be titled "Art Lessons Learned the Hard Way".
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 1 Never quickly add something to a painting when you're already dressed to go out somewhere and are waiting for the rest of the family to get ready as you will get paint on your clothes.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 2 Don't rinse your brushes in the same type of vessel you are drinking from.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 3 Resist the temptation to make one little correction to a painting as that correction will need to be corrected, and then the correction of the correction and so on.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 4 When the painting is still wet, don't let your fingers touch it more than your brushes.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 5 If you think it's wet, it is.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 6 When you are sit cosily to begin painting, the door-bell will ring.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 7 When you put a lot of acrylic paint to cover a large area and begin spreading it, the phone will ring. The call will be long enough for the paint to dry completely.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 8: If it does not mix well with water, it is not watercolor paint.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 9: When you are working on two paintings, your favorite brush will always be next to the other painting.
Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 10: The aerosol varnish will run out midway on the last canvas.
For all of you in education, or with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....
'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
It's the final of the rugby world Cup, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center of the field. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the World Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
